How I lost my scholarship from ignoring my mental health
It’s time for jacaranda propaganda in the +254
[3 min. read]
These past few months, life has come at me fast. We’re talking speed of light.
Let me explain.
It was a dark and stormy—
OK, no it wasn’t. It was smack dab in the middle of summer in Prague. Think 30°C and sprinkle on some humidity to boot. I was confined in my small dorm room, slowly boiling my skin off. The only signs of life were the comings and goings of my neighbours, especially the ones to my left who were particularly noisy. That and the glimpses of life I caught from outside my window. Children laughing in the sun, students playing football and several midnight bonfire parties.
Meanwhile, I was a spectre haunting the building, a prisoner of my own mind. For 4 months I lived like this only leaving the dorm and my room for essentials like buying and cooking food, using the bathroom and….that’s it.
Depression had descended like a shroud and turned me into a corpse, a soulless thing. I think the word ‘depression’ in its medical use is deceiving. I wasn’t sad. I was empty. And those are significantly different states. I’m not sure how I looked to the few people I encountered during that time but I’m sure I looked off somehow.
My classmates left flowers and chocolates and letters at my door but I wasn’t mentally there enough to respond or reach out.
Anyway, needless to say, I had to defer my Master’s degree. I was lucky enough that I pushed myself to finish all the course work so all I have left is the thesis which I’ll complete at some point.
My anxiety about writing the thesis is what started the cycle that led to me switching off. It’s sort of a vicious cycle that I had never noticed before. But now I know, so I guess something good came out of this.
I came back to Kenya at the end of July, a few months earlier than I had anticipated, and began healing. I’m not there yet but I’ve started a few things that will hopefully get me on track — therapy, swimming, long walks through nature (I live near a forest) and manageable workloads. None of that is a magic wand, but it’s a start.
I didn’t think it was important before but here we are. My usual ‘go go go’ way of life was not sustainable.
I’ll write more about my experience in greater detail one day, but that’s the long and short of it.
NB: I will still continue the content on this blog. I still have lots to share in this space that will hopefully impact people.
Was this post helpful? What’s your experience with maintaining your mental health? Share all your self-care tips in the comments!
Also, if you got this far down, we’re all gonna be fine. Just take it all one day at a time.
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