By Sally Garama

[4 min. read]

TRIGGER WARNING: ATTEMPTED SUICIDE

See below for mental health resources.

To this day, I wonder how my life would have turned out had I found the key that night and flung myself off the seventh floor before opting to ingest sleeping pills.

Much to my chagrin, I did not see the pearly white gates and a caucasian Jesus as promised on TV, but rather a plain white ceiling and an IV drip sticking out of my arm. A pair of paper-thin scrubs and curtains surrounding my hospital bed gave me the illusion of privacy in a space that had brought me back from the embrace of death via stomach pumping at dawn.

I was good at following instructions. My stepmother made sure of it. I'd swallow all the tablets. Under close supervision, I'd exercise in the hospital gym. In the months following my release, I cannot recall what happened or what I did.

But my first attempt at doing an undergraduate degree in journalism failed spectacularly. I believed fresh from high school that if I hung on long enough, I could do the one thing that brought me to university, study how to write fiction.

Funny how unresolved childhood trauma and high-stress environments drag you down to reality. Before I knew it, I’d fantasize about hanging myself from streetlights or randomly jumping onto a busy highway while on my morning walk to campus. I chalked it up to a vivid imagination.

Upon my release from the hospital, I drifted between my father's and sister's houses. Present but not fully there.

And while I felt safe around my sister, I knew she did not quite know how to handle my circumstance. Eventually, my mom stepped in and invited me to stay in Namibia. When I returned to Kenya, I had two options: study for an undergraduate or get a job.

I couldn't find a university in Kenya that offered an undergraduate in Creative Writing, so I settled for the next best thing a Bachelor of Arts in English.

I joined campus and immediately encountered challenges, but they didn’t feel as frightening because I knew what to expect. I made friends and enjoyed my newfound freedom. For a moment, I thought so long as I threw myself into academics, I could forget about my depression and CPTSD.

But by the end of the holidays, I’d dread returning to campus. So to cope, I’d take small pleasures in the notches of independence I’d gain. The first was control over my diet because I could now cook for myself.

I became obsessed with perfecting my cooking skills and often joked about spending more time thinking of dinner plans and YouTube recipes to try. I had my priorities straight. Since we had students from different parts of Africa, I’d often have lots of inspiration and ingredients to try and share. Those moments in the common kitchen were fun. But looking back, I was putting a bandaid on a festering wound.

The first sign should have been how my grades wildly fluctuated between semesters.

The second sign should have been the full-blown panic attacks during a physics exam.

What drove me to seek help was the concern of an English lecturer. Because we were few in the program, the lecturers had the luxury of observing students. I accepted her suggestion to see a psychologist, and during the interaction with her, I realized I needed help. I began the journey of setting up systems to manage mental health problems.

I found the list of hospitals approved by the school insurance and sought out a psychiatrist and therapist. Often my school insurance would run dry before I could complete the outpatient treatment programs. I had to seek out sustainable alternatives. Even though I did not enjoy the crowds at public hospitals, I had to see things through. While I made mistakes, I could barely balance academia, socializing, and career building. Although I still balance things on a knife’s edge, I prioritize my mental health.

Mental health resources for Kenyans

Sally Garama is a children's author and feature writer whose work has been published in local and international publications. Recently completed their studies in English with a minor in Psychology at Daystar University. Currently works as a remote freelance writer. Contact details: +254711699127 smgarama@gmail.com